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Be Not Afraid

So a weird thing is happening. My husband, my children, and I are all away on separate adventures this weekend. My husband is out at our cabin in PA, taking down trees for an upcoming project. My girls are away with their grandparents, aunts, and uncles on a camping trip in the Pinelands of NJ. I am headed out to Long Island for some beach bliss with my dear cousin Jen. Yes. That’s right. Me and my family are…. Separate from each other.

Amidst the covid-19 pandemic, my husband that works primarily from home, and me- I was forced to close my business last year, have been stay-at-home momming it and working online from home. My kids have been at home primarily also. So, this separation this weekend feels not just weird, but strangely cleansing. Just a few hours alone and my mental clarity already feels a bit more woke. Don’t get me wrong. My husband is my ride or die. I love my children. But I cannot remember the last time I was completely alone.

Let me start off by saying that my weekend popped off with a fabulous happy hour an app session with my bestie, Kim Hunter, of Fox Hollow Photography (yes, I’m plugging her. Please check out her Instagram.)

Following happy hour, my evening proceeded on with some wine and commencement of binge watching The Hills: New Beginnings. All I can say is, WOW.

Primary thoughts:

-Heidi and Spencer. Had no idea they escaped to Costa Rica for several years. The photo of Spencer with his hair and beard holding two dogs while poor Heidi enters their beach hut, which I assume was their home, is ALARMING. However, what a way to rise from the ashes. I mean, Pratt Daddy Crystals? Can’t believe this amazing transformation.

-Loving the whole Audrina /Bobbi situation.

-Crazy to see Brody’s viewpoint on the Bruce Jenner/Caitlynn fatherhood situation. Had zero clue so much trauma was happening here.

-Finally, when is Kristin coming back?

Anyway. This all got me thinking. Whitney reintroduced herself and she said something along the lines of, “Since you last saw me, my husband and I have been living in New York, we had a baby, and everything is great.”…… Really? If that’s the truth, then kudos to her.

Let’s get real shall we? I think that women in our 30’s don’t always discuss this because we just want our Instagram to look perfect, or we want to seem like we can 100% without failure work, please our hubbies, be amazing put together mothers, be fit, etc., etc. Yes, we can have all of that. But it takes work you guys. It takes falling on your face sometimes. It takes saying it nicely 7 times and then maybe yelling. Yelling loudly in fact. It takes letting the mess happen. It takes letting the laundry sit there. It takes asking for help.

Let me tell you a story. I dated my husband for 5 years. We got engaged. We planned our wedding, got married 2 years later. We bought a house. We had a baby. We had another baby shortly after. We had the best of times. We had the worst of times. We both experienced losses in our families. We both made personal mistakes. We've been together for 12 years. We are madly in love. However…. Last year, shit got REAL. We almost didn’t make it. Its hard to explain, but we got through it. We are still getting through it. We are still madly in love.

I will share that we tried couples therapy. We enjoy it. One of the basic concepts is that who you are as a child, your family of origin, and experiences you’ve had throughout your life- all those things are here. They comprise who you are. Honor those parts. All of those parts are welcome.

I’m sharing this because after the shit show I witnessed on The Hills last night, I think its perfectly okay to admit that not everything is perfect all the time. The things you want in life take hard work, love, and appreciation including your marriage, your career, your motherhood, your goals. Do not be afraid to do what you have to do to get where you want to go.

Back in high school, actually on the last day of high school (if you KNOW me, you know what I am referencing), I made a CATACLYSMIC mistake. Like, a legal mistake. Thats right- this Goddess has been in the back of a cop car. While my dad was disappointed in me and sad, he still stood by my side the entire way. He said, “We live our lives. We make our choices.” This has stuck with me throughout my life. Since that day, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and proceeded on. This is life. It is not a dress rehearsal. My life has been pretty fucking great. I am blessed with a beautiful, BIG, Irish family. I have a family of my own. I am educated. I was able to choose a career that I love and am passionate about. But, it hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies. I have fallen down. Many times actually. Shit, I opened a DREAM Pilates studio. I had to close it because of….. Germs? Really? What the actual fuck.

But you know what? I am not someone that walks quietly. I am willing to take risks, even if I fail. I do not regret my cataclysmic mistake mentioned above, or any of the other mistakes I have made. Like my dad said, “We live our lives. We make our choices.” Remember that every choice you make, even if it results in a failure, or rather, a lesson, it comprises who you are. You are whole. You are okay. All of your parts are welcome.

Ill conclude by saying what I said to my best friend Kim last night, “I function at my highest when I’m in bad-assery mode.” I encourage you to do the same.


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